Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
