I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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