Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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