Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
