be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
