oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
