I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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