you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
