Your dad touched me again.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize