i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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