New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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