she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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