My hair reeks of homosexuality.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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