textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
