my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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