he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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