Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
