This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
