so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize