im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
