i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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