My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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