if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
