hotel room ftw
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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