My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
