The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
