Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
COCAINE IS GR8
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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