my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
