I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
