I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
