i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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