Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
