Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
