I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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