Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
