if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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