I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
