I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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