your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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