you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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