we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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