I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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