i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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