After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
