I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
