I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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