WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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