Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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