i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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