Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
