3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Houston, we have a blender
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
