the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
