I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
