Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Randomize
