haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
