i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I queefed so loud it echoed.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
