I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
