I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
