She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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