Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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