Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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