listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
