God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
